From Confusion to Clarity: Breaking the Silence on My Journey with PMDD and Alcohol

I've always felt like there was more going on than just the normal discomfort of PMS but it wasn't until I started talking about how I was actually feeling that someone said it sounded like PMDD and I should talk to a medical professional.

I'm feeling a little sad today and not like myself.  But instead of assigning meaning to those feelings I've learned to notice them, acknowledge it's hormonal, and I'll be feeling better soon.  It also inspired me to write this blog post. I'm glad to have that insight but it doesn't make it any easier when you're feeling low.  I've disclosed this information before, but if it's your first time on my blog, hi, I'm Kyle and I probably share a little too much on the internet at times...welcome!

So yeah, about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PMDD, which stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder which is a health condition that causes severe symptoms before a menstrual period. PMDD is a more serious form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS).  What's more, is that PMDD tends to get worse during perimenopause, and guess what stage of life I'm in at the ripe age of 42?

What does this mean and what can I do about it?  Turns out, even though there is a lot of new emerging information, there isn't a whole lot of research out there regarding PMDD and perimenopause.  Backup, there isn't a lot of research out there for PMDD or perimenopause so there is even less to go by in terms of experiencing both together.

The first thing I want to acknowledge is that I know I'm not alone.  So if you're reading this and feel like your life is falling apart, I want you to know that I am seriously so glad you are here and I know exactly how you feel. But that's not true for everyone, I have friends that have never even heard of PMDD.  So to me, talking about this is important, because at one point I did feel very alone in what I was experiencing and if I can help make one person feel less alone in their struggle, taking the time to write this is worth it.

Before I go any further in talking about what I experienced and what has seemed to help, the most important thing I want you to be aware of is that everyone is different and it's important to get sound medical advice from a professional.  If you are feeling like there is more going on than just cramps, fatigue, and bloating and your cycle is disruptive to your mental health, it's important to see a doctor and talk to someone who can provide professional help.

My PMDD (which let's be real here, at the time I was experiencing the symptoms of PMDD, I didn't know that's what was happening, so in my head, I felt like I was going crazy, like legitimately coo-coo) was predictably unpredictable.  One month I'd feel maybe a little weepy or down in the dumps, and I'd get my period and everything would subside and I'd feel like myself again.  But then the next month I'd experience extreme lows where I felt severely depressed like my marriage was falling apart, like my kids were going to turn into criminals, like I was the ugliest thing this side of the Mississippi, the irritability felt like a live wire running through my veins, and I could snap at any moment (which usually meant at my husband or the kids, sometimes the dogs).  And once it truly became clear there was an issue, I had realized it started negatively affecting my closest relationships.

I can recall this one time texting a friend saying, "I can't remember a time when I was really truly happy." And then days later we were grabbing coffee and everything was fine.  I remember another time my husband had kept a secret from me to "surprise" me, but when I found out, the surprise wasn't what I expected and instead of seeing it from his perspective I lost my damn mind.  I packed a bag and headed to my mom's thinking my marriage was over.  I was crumbling.  I couldn't see it getting any better, and just like that, my period would come, and *ta-da*, everything felt normal.  And queue the apologies.  If you have PMDD you're probably apologizing a lot for things you did or said during that time of the month (which is a week or two leading up to when you begin your bleed).

I sat down with a friend and I just told her, "Look, I feel like I can't handle life.  It feels like things are okay for a while and then something happens and I feel so out of control of my emotions.  I can't get a grip on my sadness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness.  And then I'll have some good days where everything is fine and I actually feel happy, only for it to happen again and again."  She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "Did you ever hear of PMDD?"

I hadn't.

She started explaining what it was and it was like a damn light bulb lit up the darkest part of me.

I felt seen.

And then all of those scenarios came rushing back into my head and it all came together like a puzzle.  I looked at her almost in disbelief, like did she just tell me everything I'm experiencing is real and it's not all in my head?  And it's not me? That there is an actual disorder causing me to feel this way every month and I'm not crazy?  I can't even remember if I cried, laughed, or did both after hearing that, but I do remember calling the doctor the very next day.

Since then I still experience the symptoms of PMDD but on a much less severe level.  I had decided that taking medication to keep my serotonin levels more even was the route I was going to take.  I have zero shame in sharing that I am on medication.  Because to be honest, without it, I don't know if I'd still be here writing this right now, at times it was that bad.

I also know that some medical professionals will suggest things like birth control, acupuncture, and nutritionists to help assist with diet changes and exercise, but not one person, not one doctor, no one told me that because of PMDD I might be more prone to alcohol abuse.

Um, what?  Wait a damn minute.

Yep, women who suffer from PMDD are more likely to abuse alcohol, and women who abuse alcohol are more likely to suffer from more severe PMDD symptoms.  Ugh, that's a vicious and ugly cycle.  And I'm not loving the word "abuse" here because drinking alcohol is so normalized in our society, saying something like that is very offensive and off-putting.  However, sometimes it's the truth we need to hear that rattles something inside us to dig deeper and question our personal relationship with alcohol.

What I consider to be alcohol abuse is any alcohol use that puts your health or safety at risk or causes any other alcohol-related problems.  This also includes binge drinking, which for women is having 4 drinks within 2 hours.  So yeah, I admit, I was abusing alcohol, and most people who drink alcohol are abusing it as well. But because it is so normalized within our society, people tend to believe you don't have a problem with alcohol unless you hit rock bottom.

But wow, looking back at when I was experiencing severe PMDD symptoms and using alcohol to cope allows me to view myself with compassion and empathy instead of shame.  Most of us who abuse alcohol really are using it to cope with some aspect of our life that feels too big or too much to take on without it. And as sad as that is, I promise you, it doesn't have to stay that way.

Thankfully, I never did hit that proverbial rock bottom.  And though I'm grateful I didn't hurt myself or anyone else while I was drinking, I was absolutely impacting my health in negative ways.  And in terms of PMDD, alcohol affects us differently.  I found this study that basically tested that theory, and you can feel free to check that out here: Altered sensitivity to alcohol in the late luteal phase among patients with premenstrual dysphoric disorder

However, the gist of that study showed that women with PMDD might be affected by alcohol differently, especially when they are close to their period. Their eyes didn’t move as quickly or respond as well to the alcohol, which is something the scientists want to understand better because learning about how conditions like PMDD affect alcohol use can help them find ways to support women who struggle with these issues. If they know more about how alcohol impacts our bodies and minds, they can create better treatments and advice. This knowledge can also help in preventing alcohol abuse and improving overall health and well-being for those of us who are affected.

In conclusion, navigating life with PMDD can feel overwhelming, especially when compounded by societal pressures around alcohol. Understanding my own experiences has been a journey, and I’m grateful to have found clarity through conversations and research. Knowing that PMDD can affect how alcohol impacts us has helped me make more informed choices about my health, like quitting drinking.

 It’s important to talk about these challenges openly because doing so not only helps us feel less alone but also raises awareness for others who might be struggling in silence. If you’re facing similar feelings, remember that seeking professional help is vital. Together, we can break the stigma surrounding PMDD and alcohol use, creating a more supportive community for everyone dealing with these issues. Thank you for joining me on this journey, and know that you’re not alone in your struggles.