Six Months Alcohol Free - the good, the bad, the fugly.

Hi! Just this past weekend I celebrated 6 months of being alcohol-free.  I wanted to take the time to reflect on what the past six months have been like.  When I rephrase the time of "six months" to "half a year" it just hits different, and I'm still just like, "wait...what? did I really not have a sip of alcohol for half of a year?!" If I can do that, literally anyone can.

Six months ago I got to a point where I was sick of feeling like shit all the time.  I had been subscribed to "Sober Sis" for over a year and would get emails from a lady I didn't know, encouraging her readers to a 21 Day Reset Challenge.  I can't tell you how many times I deleted her emails before even opening them. Looking back, I just wasn't ready to face the truth of my relationship with alcohol. But then that one day came where I just had it.  I was tired of waking up with a headache and swallowing Motrin in the middle of the night during my 4th trip to the bathroom.  I hated that this was my life.

I would wake up so groggy and full of regret thinking to myself, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" by mid-afternoon my hangover would wear off and I'd stop beating myself up about it and I'd drink again the next day.  Somedays I would wake up thinking "I'm not going to drink today," and my willpower was strong and I was determined, but by 4:30PM, all of that would fizzle and I would allow myself to have just one drink.  Sometimes it was only one drink.  Sometimes it was 3, 4, maybe even 5.

It was after a Halloween Parade that I attended with my kids that I had over did it.  I was taking shots before the parade, beers and shots during the parade, and then a night of waking up 3-4 times of having to go to the bathroom, gulping more water, swallowing more Motrin, and praying to God that I would wake up without a headache from hell.

And then per the usual for that time of year, I got sick.  I had a really bad sore throat and though I hate being sick, it always would takes away my desire to drink alcohol.  That was the last time I drank. I didn't know that was going to be the last time. That sore throat had put enough time between myself and alcohol that I clicked on an email that changed my life.  Literally, it changed my entire life.

I decided to take part in a 21 Day Reset, to give my body, my mind, and soul a rest from alcohol.  I didn't have any intentions of quitting drinking forever when I signed up for the challenge.  I just knew that everything I had tried before didn't work and I always went back to old thought patterns and habits that led me to drink more than I wanted to.

By the time the challenge began I was already on day 12 of not drinking and I felt amazing.  My sore throat had started to go away and I now had a tool at my disposal that I never had before:  like-minded community. Community was and still is the key to my success.  And I'll forever be grateful for the opportunity to have joined Sober Sis. But I also know that it was God who led me with His compassion and kindness when he saw me struggling beyond my own abilities to change to my life.  His hand has always been there and He was just waiting for me to grab hold.

November had quite a few challenges when first newly sober.  Thanksgiving for sure.  Can you imagine a thanksgiving without alcohol?  Or any holiday without alcohol? Me either.  I knew I had to lean hard into the group of women who were also going to try to stay sober and prepare well.  We checked in with each other on an app called "Marco Polo" and I had bought non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice. I knew my kids would also enjoy drinking that with me out of a fancy glass, the thought of us cheers-ing made me smile. But alas, the time has come to experience my first holiday sober and I really spent a lot of time thinking about alcohol.  And if the holiday itself wasn't a trigger enough to drink, the shocking news of a friend unexpectedly passing was incredibly difficult.  The truth of the matter was, the friend who passed away held a unique space in my life.  He was a musician and during an incredibly difficult season of infertility, going to listen and enjoy his music with friends brought joy to an otherwise heartbreaking season.  We weren't close besties or anything like that, I knew, loved, and appreciated his zest for life.  When he died, I had not seen or heard from him in years as he moved across the country to pursue his dreams.  But his sister, mom, and I have stayed in contact over the years.  When I heard of his passing, my heart broke into a million little pieces knowing the overwhelming amount of grief and shock they must have been feeling.

There it was.  The first time in a really long time, I had to feel the feelings.  I couldn't pour a shot of fireball, a glass of wine, or crack open a beer to numb the agonizing helplessness.  I had to digest it.  I had to work through it.  I had to process it.  And it took time.  I felt so fragile and unsure of myself.  I took to the app and cried my eyes out in a Marco Polo to the women who only have seen me from behind a screen for a few weeks.  They supported me through the hardest parts and I can't tell you how grateful I am for these women. 

I had made it through the 21 Day Challenge and because my body and mind had felt better than it has in a long time, I didn't want to start over by having a sip of alcohol.  I decided a "Dry December" was my next challenge, and if I could make it through a Christmas and New Years without booze, I could do anything.  The thought was empowering as much as it was terrifying.  I knew that if I was going on this journey of an extended break from alcohol I would need the continued support.  I signed up for a course through the Sober Sis program called Alcohol-Free Lifestyle Course.  And it was an intensive course for 10 weeks where we would meet online weekly.  We would have a course outline  to work through during the week with reflective questions and then meet to have a discussion about it online.  The women I met through this group are women I still talk to every single day either through a Marco Polo post or texting each other.  Their love, support, and encouragement is something I cherish.

December was a whirlwind as it is for so many of us who celebrate Christmas.  But by this time, I was really beginning to realize the benefits of being alcohol-free.  The tools I was gaining from Sober Sis and AFL were guiding me through the rough spots, like a Christmas party where any other time I would have started drinking the second I got there until the second I left.  This wasn't the norm, and it was a little awkward at first, but I remembered to "play it forward" (a tool I attained through Sober Sis) and think about what the end of the night would look like if I started drinking.  I made it through December, but writing it out like this makes it sound quick and simple.  It was anything but that.  It was challenging and there were times when I doubted myself and questioned why I was even doing this in the first place.  But what I was gaining made it worth it to keep trucking and pushing myself beyond the known levels of comfortability.  I wanted to expand and keep growing.

Dry January excited me because this was the month when many people across the entire world challenge themselves to give up alcohol for a month.  The online community is booming with encouraging posts and it's easier to feel connected to others when there is a common goal.  January was around the time I really started to feel the love I had for myself.  I was gaining confidence, setting boundaries, and learning who I truly am, without the fog of alcohol in my life.  I remember telling my girls, "I FREAKING LOVE MYSELF!" on a zoom call and they all broke out in cheers and laughter.  But the truth of the matter was, I haven't felt or even thought that about myself in maybe forever.  But the choices I was making were aligning with my inner most self and the euphoria of freedom was fueling my desire to keep going, one day at a time.

By the time February came I had felt like I had officially broken up with alcohol.  Think about a horrible ex-boyfriend, and interchange his name with the word alcohol and that's what it felt like.  "Alcohol is a liar."  "Alcohol destroyed my relationships with others."  "Alcohol made me feel like shit."  "Alcohol wasted my time."  "Alcohol acts like I'm the issue."  See what I mean?  I feel like Taylor Swift. The space and time that I had between me and the "ex" gave me a clearer picture of what the relationship was actually like.  It wasn't all butterflies and rainbows, but that's the lure of alcohol when we romanticize it.  When we think that a drink will instantly allow our shoulders to drop and our lungs to inhale a breath so deep the world slows down for a second.  That's a lie.  Alcohol is a lie. You don't need alcohol to unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, and breathe deeply.  

February was a month that I was never so grateful to have been sober because my entire family was hit with the flu.  Those exercises of finding ways to handle stress without alcohol really came in handy when we got our asses kicked by the sickness that seemed to linger for weeks.  I'm being dramatic, but I am who I am.  I hate being sick, it was the worst.

I was looking forward to March and hopefully some warmer weather.  The groundhog lied by the way.  It's been cold for what seems like forrrrrr-evvvv-errrrr.  Unlike many people I know, I actually love the month of March because it was the month my oldest son was born and he's such a miracle. This month always is one that will be special to me.  But looking over my journal entries from where I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually it seems like FOMO is still a thing when it comes to drinking.  St. Patricks Day is a huge drinking holiday (though the real meaning behind it has nothing to do with alcohol) and seeing friends dressed up in their green and going hard at the bars was something that put a pit of gloom in my stomach.  I felt lonely, left out, and looked over.  It wasn't what I wanted to feel, but it was what I did feel.  And that's the point.  I felt it, I accepted it as a valid feeling, I didn't judge it.  I just acknowledged it, and I let it go.  If that isn't growth I don't know what is.

March was the month that I really leaned into getting back into the Word of God and making it a habit again to be connecting with God in this way.  Whenever I make this a priority my life begins to feel full and whole. It brings me a solid place to look at life from.  The world, my feelings, life, and the like will change day to day but God and His Word will remain the same forever and that brings a comfort that I can't even think about putting into words, so I won't even try.  If you're ever feeling lost, the Holy Bible will be a map, a light, and a compass always.

April is here and coming to end shortly.  The 20th of this month was my 6 month milestone.  And here I am writing to you from a place of gratitude, contentment, and freedom.  I'm thankful to have had the time to reflect over these last six months because it makes me so excited for what's to come.  I know that the future can feel scary sometimes, not knowing whats around the next corner, but I know that because I've chosen to face the past six months alcohol free, my little sober-muscles have become stronger.  And the thing that brings me the most comfort of all is knowing I will never have to face this life alone.  God has put friends and family in my life that reach out, seek to uplift and encourage me, and has shown me that this is the way he intended me to live all along.  It's like alcohol was a pair of really dirty, scratched, foggy glasses and God not only removed them from my eyes, He perfomed spiritual lasik surgery, and the whole "I was once was blind but now I see" song plays in the background of every scene.  I feel like I can see clearly, my vision has expanded, and the best is yet to come.

If you are sober-curious or looking for a place to start, welcome.

I want you to check out @SoberSis on instagram and sign up for her emails, even if only to delete them until you're ready. If you are ready, I will promise you that the journey ahead will not be easy, but it will be worth it, and you will not go at it alone.  This community interlocks arms and faces the path ahead together.  Your life is about to be so amazing you won't be able to comprehend why it took you so long to make this decision.  Just try.  And keep trying.

Shout to Madden for taking mom's pick with her sparkling grape juice ;)